Held, Part II

Held, Part II

Guest Blog by Pastor Aaron Tolson

Youth Pastor of CROSS-EYED Youth Ministry

Held has always been one of those songs that tugs at my own heart. Being the father of two amazing young children, I must admit that I can’t imagine losing either one of them. My prayer every night to God is “keep them healthy and strong.” Perhaps my prayer should be “keep ME healthy and strong.”

Then She Was Gone

Less than two months ago, one of the members of the nationally-known group Selah, Todd Smith and his wife Angie gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Audrey Caroline. Their time with their brand new baby was special – seeing as how they knew that her even being alive was a miracle in and of itself. Months earlier they had learned that Audrey had developed several different problems which meant a very small chance at being born alive. For 2 ½ hours, though, Todd, Angie, and the rest of the family were able to share earth with another special little girl. Then, she was gone.

Angie has written several blogs about the experience as well as a letter to her daughter after she passed away. Warning! You will need several boxes of tissues. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html

Then three weeks ago in our service, we showed the clip “99 balloons” which is another story about the loss of a child. Warning! You will need another box of tissues to watch this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

Job-Like Questions

These heart-wrenching stories bring about several different personal responses: a deep love and appreciation for my own children, doubts about whether I would be able to handle a loss like that, and then a question directly for God that goes something like “What are You thinking? What purpose can that serve? Certainly Your kingdom is big enough that You don’t really need to use the death of an innocent child…right?!”

Having recently rolled that around in my head, and coming to some initial conclusions that mesh with my theological musings, it was of no coincidence that the very question should arise from someone else’s experience and present an opportunity for me to minister to them.

This past weekend I worked as a Spiritual Director on a retreat weekend in an undisclosed location in West Virginia. This was an opportunity for individuals within the body of Christ to have an encounter with God and specifically His grace! At one particular point in the weekend, a lady came to me with her pain, hurt, and confusion. Four years earlier, her daughter had gotten sick and within twenty-four hours had died. It was very unexpected and heartbreaking. Their daughter, Nora, was about to turn three.

Nora’s Mom

For four years, this mom had been carrying around some very hard questions that others had been unable to help her gain clarity on. She shared with me that she attends a church that believes in the healing power of God and she has seen God heal others – some quickly, some over a period of time. This reinforced her question about God – why didn’t He heal her daughter? Was it that He couldn’t? Was it that He could, but then apparently chose not to? What was God thinking?! Then she was confused about whether it was ok to feel angry toward God or not! Understandable.

It was one of those moments where there is other stuff happening and time is pressing - this isn’t a sit-down-and-chat counseling kind of moment. I took a split-second mental pause to clear my head and listen for God to speak. Here is what came out:

First, it’s ok for you to feel angry. God created you with emotions – to feel the full range of them, from the greatest joy to the very pit of frustration and anger. God gave you those emotions to experience, not to fight. Don’t condemn yourself for having strong emotions, particularly with regard to the loss of your daughter.

Second, can I speak some truth to you? What if it isn’t about what God did or didn’t do, what if it isn’t about whether God for some reason chose not to heal her – as if to punish you in some way? What if it is about God allowing the consequences of sin. This got her attention, and I know exactly what was going through her mind – she was expecting me to launch into some talk about God’s judgment for some sin in her (or her husband’s) life that resulted in the death of her daughter. But that is NOT where I was going… Instead, I took her back to the Garden. We reflected on the truth that God created Adam and Eve and placed them in a place that they could enjoy. Sin, however, resulted in several consequences, one of which is a sin-cursed earth filled with death, diseases, and things that just don’t agree with the virility of our human life.

I have come to believe firmly that God is a Creator who is filled with joy, and delight, and can’t help but continue to be creative. He creates things that know how to create more things! The Bible says that before the foundations of the earth He knew me – and He knew Nora as well. He knew that she would be alive for only 3 years. He knew that Audrey Caroline Smith would only last 2 hours. But they are just as much Image Bearers as you or I are. They are an expression of His creativity no matter how short or long they exist here on earth, and He delights in each and every single human being He thought up, fashioned, created, and placed here on this planet. It was due to His joy and creativity that He just had to create them, to create Nora.

You Are Special: Imago Dei

It reminded me of the story “You Are Special” by Max Lucado. I picture Eli, the wood worker, taking such joy in creating each individual Wemmick – some big, some small, some skinny, some fat, some with hats, and some with big noses – each one a different expression of his creativity! Eli took such delight in his creations simply because He had made them and they reflected a bit of who He was. He delighted in creating Punchinello too. But Eli also knew that when He created Punchinello that he would enter a town filled with other wooden Wemmicks who were going to put stickers and dots all over him, cause him to focus on second-things, and get wrapped up in developing people-pleasing flesh – forgetting all about who it was who made him. But that doesn’t stop Eli from creating or placing him in the town.

Yet, this story doesn’t accurately reflect what we deal with. For Lucado’s story to be more realistic, then the perfect little town where the Wemmicks live would also have to be filled with termites! So, not only was this a place filled with hurting and broken people, but a world that is literally eating away at the Wemmicks’ bodies. This, I feel, is a more accurate picture.

We live in a world filled with broken people. A world filled with termites – things that eat away at our very existence. Yet this is no reflection of the character of the Creator, but rather a statement about the consequences of sin. This also does not make God less joyful or less creative, nor does it take away the pure delight He has with each Image Bearer he places into the broken world. I do believe that His “heart” hurts knowing His creation will only last a little while and that in turn will lead to the hurt, pain, and heartache experienced by other Image Bearers He created.

I continued with the mom. God had already thought up Nora and He so delighted in her that He just had to create her. He took such joy in this little life – regardless of the length of time here. She was a unique expression of His creativity. It pains God to know that you are hurting, but He’s not upset that you’re upset about it. He understands perfectly.

Choose to live in the truth of who God is and how much He delights in you… and Nora.

Finally. Freedom.