Members of the Opposite Gender
Part I: Reasons 1-5
Introduction
I’ve been involved in a fascinating and stimulating discussion with a good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling. She believes that the biblical norm mandates that “counseling” must always be between two people of the same gender.
While I do not agree with her view, I do respect her thinking. Also, I certainly believe that there is much power in same gender “counseling.” It is not “wrong” to “counsel” someone of the same gender. I simply do not believe the Bible says that our “counseling” must be exclusively with members of our own gender.
Now, I’m no fool. I understand that I am going to have people “on both sides” at the very least disagreeing with me, some angry at me, and some even calling me a heretic (it wouldn’t be the first time!).
So why discuss this?
It’s a vital issue. It’s a question I am asked a lot. It’s relevant to ministry today.
So…this is a blog. It’s not a book. It’s not a published article. It’s not the final word. The following thoughts are my random ponderings on the issue pretty much as they appeared in the email string generated by my conversation with my friend.
So…the following views are not “hills I am going to die on.” I express them in the hopes of inviting intelligent, loving spiritual conversations. If you disagree with me, please share comments—speaking the truth in love, like a good “Berean.” If you agree with me, but would say things differently or would include additional reasons, please share those.
Here goes. In no particular order, some reasons why I believe we can “counsel” members of the opposite gender.
1. “Counseling”: How We Define It
Notice that I have been putting “counseling” in quotation marks. We need to start with what we mean by “counseling.”
I’m big on one another ministry. So for me, “counseling” is simply one another spiritual friendship. I don't see anywhere that the Bible suggests that one another ministry should be exclusively same gender.
Additionally, my model of biblical counseling and spiritual friendship does not focus on final authoritative, directive teaching. It highlights collaborative, “trialogues” where we explore together how God’s Word relates to one another’s lives. I do not believe that this one another practice of collaborative exploration of God’s Word is in any way excluded by any biblical exhortation about women teaching men (see more on this in a subsequent point).
Now, I’m not naïve. I understand that we must address the more formalized relationship of one person who is the recognized “counselor” and one person who is the recognized “counselee.” Even this is not a new issue. Throughout church history people experienced the relationship of a spiritual director to a “directee.”
But again, my definition of soul care and spiritual direction involves a mutual relationship where one person seeks to sustain, heal, reconcile, and guide another person to apply God’s changeless truth to another person’s life.
I do not believe that this spiritual direction practice of collaborative exploration of God’s Word is in any way excluded by any biblical exhortation about women teaching men (see more on this in a subsequent point).
2. Theology of Gender: Genesis 1 and 2 and Creation as Male and Female
I know that some could take our distinct genders to mean that since we are different at the soul level, we should not counsel one another. I would say the opposite.
The idea that it is not good for man/male to be alone, is not only husband/wife, but also male/female. In other words, when we separate by gender in the church, just like when we separate by ethnicity and by age, we lose the beauty of diversity that God has planned.
Males need the unique spiritual friendship insights of females. Females need the unique spiritual friendship insights of males. We need one another.
3. Biblical One Another Exhortations: Let’s Be Consistent
I believe all the one another passages exhort us to offer one another mutual spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction. None of these passages hint at such commands being directed only toward same gender spiritual conversations.
In fact, when Paul says to speak to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, the context is across cultures, across socieo-economic lines, and across genders (Colossians 3:11-16). When Paul says, in this same context, “Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another,” surely no one would say, “That only applies to men with men and women with women.”
Paul says in Colossians 3:9, “Do not lie to each other.” Surely no one would say, “Well, that applies only to men with men and women with women.” Yet, a scant few verses later Paul says, “Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with wisdom…” (3:16). Sounds like “counseling.” That’s why I would define biblical counseling as teaching and admonishing one another with wisdom, and I would see Paul commanding all believers to engage in such biblical counseling one with another—including men with women and women with men.
4. Biblical Examples: What Do We See in the Bible?
Jesus and the woman at the well provide a biblical example of a male ministering one-to-one with a female.
The relationship of Aquila and Priscilla to Apollos provides a biblical example of a male/female team mentoring (providing spiritual direction to) a male. Some might say, “Wait, that’s a husband/wife team, so that’s not even in your category of “counseling.” That comment just shows how much we’ve been influenced by modernistic, secular images of what “counseling” is.
Aquila and Priscilla with Apollos is exactly the category of ministry I am addressing. One another spiritual friendships with the opposite gender can include husband and wives ministering to husband and wives. They can include “mixed” small groups. The issue is, can we minister to members of the opposite gender? The issue is not simply the “setting.”
Paul’s list of names in the small house churches in Rome is another example of one another spiritual friendship and small group fellowship being across genders (Romans 16).
I plan to search the Scriptures for further examples.
5. Church History: Women and Men Provided Sacred Friendships to One Another
Anyone who reads my new book, Sacred Friendships (http://bit.ly/YmaM1) will see how many godly women mentored godly men. The famous Church Fathers were mentored, time after time, by the less-famous, but equally vital, women of the early church. Clearly, women were spiritual directors for the Church Fathers.
I am not saying that history and tradition are equal to inspired Scripture. However, since my interpretation and application of Scripture is not inspired, and neither is yours, I do want to learn from others in church history. And many great Church Fathers, Reformers, and Puritan men benefited from and believed in the role of ministry “across genders.”
Additionally, throughout church history, male pastors provided “counsel” to women. In many cases, we have detailed descriptions of ongoing “counseling” between male pastors and their female parishioners (this is especially true of the Reformers and Puritans).
What Are Your Thoughts?
Thus ends part one of my rambling ponderings.
What are your thoughts?
Be sure to return for part two…
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