Counseling and Abuse in Marriage
Part 6: Abuse and Divorce
Summary: Marital abuse is one of the most traumatic issues an individual, couple, family, and church can face. Discussing it raises hotly defended convictions. How should God’s people respond to “abuse in marriage”?Part 6: Abuse and Divorce
Extreme Responses
So far we’ve explored how the church and individuals within the church can demonstrate Christ’s care during the crisis of marital abuse.
However, some are somewhat quick to say, “All this talk about helping and counseling and reconciliation is foolish. Just tell them to get a divorce!”
Sadly, on the other hand, some in the church have been known to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to marital abuse. They quickly victimize the victim by denying any abuse is occurring, without investigating the situation, or they are aware of the abuse and tell the abused spouse, often the wife, “Just submit!”
So what is the truth? Does the Bible offer grounds for divorce based upon abuse?
The Bible and Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage
Hundreds of books have been written on the topic of the Bible and divorce. Theological students have written dissertations of hundreds of pages on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Churches have split over interpretations surrounding divorce.
If you want to explore the issue further, consider Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views: http://tinyurl.com/lgzj4w.
Also consider Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the Bible by Jay Adams: http://tinyurl.com/ncn8hr.
My “brief” blog post will not solve the issue. Plus, this blog series is not about divorce in general, but about abuse in marriage and whether that may be grounds for divorce.
Abuse and Separation
Some people have said, based upon 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul says couples should only be apart for a short time for prayer and fasting, that separation for abuse is never biblical. Personally, I hardly think that Paul planned for his words, given in the context of prayer and fasting, to be applied when a spouse is being abused. As I said in the first post in this series, in the case of physical abuse, safety is the first priority—and often that requires separation while church and civil authorities address the abusive spouse.
Abuse and Divorce: What Others Are Saying
For Evangelical Christians, we can’t answer issues based upon our feelings or opinions. We must attempt to understand how to relate God’s timeless truth to our changing times.
Some Evangelicals do not see any grounds for divorce in the Bible.
Other Evangelicals would say that biblical grounds for divorce are limited to adultery (Matthew 19) and abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7).
Most Evangelicals, regarding divorce in general, would say that even if divorce were permitted for those two grounds, that confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation and always the preferred response.
David L. Snuth, in “Divorce and Remarriage from the Early Church to John Wesley” (Trinity Journal 11.2, Fall 1990: 131-142) shares an historical perspective. Somewhat surprisingly, according to his research, the Reformers like Luther and Calvin saw abuse as one possible ground for divorce.
Apparently, like some commentators, pastors, and counselors today, some in Church history interpreted 1 Corinthians 7 and abandonment by an unbeliever to include various behaviors indicative of abandoning marital vows and roles. So, since husbands, for instance, are called to love and cherish their wives, a habitually unrepentant husband who is emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, sexually, and/or physically abusing his wife, could be deemed to be living like an unbeliever who has abandoned his marital vows and his duties to his wife. Therefore, some have said in Church history and some say today, abuse could be grounds for divorce, especially habitually, unrepentant abuse.
Of course, some in history and some today would respond, “Well, that opens the door for divorce for just about anything that anyone wants to claim is ‘abuse.’” Others would say, “That simply is not an accurate interpretation or application of 1 Corinthians 7.”
What Do You Think?
What is your conviction? Biblically, what should happen to the marriage when abuse occurs?
6 comments:
Good overview. There's a couple of things I'd like to add.
First, we also blame the victim by giving the impression they may have somehow deserved the treatment or brought it on themselves.
The other thing is our pulpits are used to discredit a host of things but rarely is the topic of spousal abuse ever mentioned.
Peace.
What about in the Old Testament where God allowed divorce because of the hardness of heart? Aren't abusers hard hearted refusing to see their sin and make the necessary changes?
Paula, That's a good questions. Commentators debate that. Some say Jesus used the phrase "because of the hardness of your hearts" to mean God never wants divorce, it was never his plan, but it was allowed because of the Fall of humanity. The debate then continues with what constitutes grounds in the passage in Dt. and in Jesus' words in Mt. 19 about adultery. Some say only adultery is being spoken of. Even in the history of Jewish interpretation there was a wide extreme between almost any grounds being "uncleanness" and almost no grounds fitting the meaning of "uncleanness/adultery." As I said in the post, it is a very controversial issue. Thanks for sharing your question. Bob
A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. –Proverbs 22:3
It is wise to take precautions, which includes the church getting involved. Too often the abused spouse will not tell due to fear or shame.
I have found many good resources at Mending the Soul Ministries including help for churches.
As I post my first comment, I must warn any potential readers that I have very strong views on this subject, which may offend a few people.
I am including the following information not as any kind of evidence that my insights or opinions have stronger validation or importance over that of anyone else. I only wish to provide a background as to why my opinions on this subject are so especially strong. I have worked as a Domestic Violence Counselor, Outreach Court Advocate, and Shelter Crisis Counselor at a Domestic Violence Shelter/Center. I can honestly say that, during my work there, many women faced additional difficulties because of an unhealthy religious background. I intentionally use the term “unhealthy” to describe, in my opinion, an unfortunate, incorrect and even dangerous view of many comments by Paul in both Corinthians and Timothy.
Furthermore, although domestic violence comes in many forms and levels of extremes, for most habitual offenders/perpetrators, there is very little evidence that these people can be rehabilitated. In fact, most domestic violence centers will not counsel the perpetrators due to this fact and others. This will, I am sure, cause some strong feelings, but the success stories I have seen, usually involved a legal separation, followed by a divorce. However, I would be very interested in any information that would should programs that have a better probability of helping the perpetrators of these crimes to become non-violent, loving, truly God-lead spouses.
Elisabeth,
Thank you for your comment and for your passion for protecting those who have been abused.
To be honest, I am often intrigued when I hear a generic statement that "studies show" or "there is very little evidence that" and then no footnotes or links are given. And even if the footnotes are given, we all know that with the plethora of info out there, anyone could "cherry pick" "studies" that support their view. I am not saying you are doing this, I just mention this for our readership.
Further, and most importantly, the Bible says that through Christ's resurrection power change can and does occur: 1 Corinthians 6:11--in any and all issues.
As a counselor and pastor, if I only counseled people when the stats said it was highly likely that change would occur, then my job would be a lot easier. It is the "hard cases" that bring the tears and also the joy of victory. I have personally seen the Body of Christ work together to bring healing to marriages and change to abusive relationships many times.
I do think your post brings up an important point: biblical Christian counseling needs more outcome studies. It would be extremely amazing to an onlooking world to show the the power of Christ's gospel of grace to change lives with Christ's changeless truth.
I'd love to hear from other readers on this issue.
Bob
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