Ten Reasons Why I Believe We Can “Counsel”
Members of the Opposite Gender
Part II: Reasons 6-10
Note: For part one, please visit: http://bit.ly/tXR7y
Introduction (Repeated from Part One)
I’ve been involved in a fascinating and stimulating discussion with a good friend and co-worker in biblical counseling. She believes that the biblical norm mandates that “counseling” must always be between two people of the same gender.
While I do not agree with her view, I do respect her thinking. Also, I certainly believe that there is much power in same gender “counseling.” It is not “wrong” to “counsel” someone of the same gender. I simply do not believe the Bible says that our “counseling” must be exclusively with members of our own gender.
Now, I’m no fool. I understand that I am going to have people “on both sides” at the very least disagreeing with me, some angry at me, and some even calling me a heretic (it wouldn’t be the first time!).
So why discuss this?
It’s a vital issue. It’s a question I am asked a lot. It’s relevant to ministry today.
So…this is a blog. It’s not a book. It’s not a published article. It’s not the final word. The following thoughts are my random ponderings on the issue pretty much as they appeared in the email string generated by my conversation with my friend.
So…the following views are not “hills I am going to die on.” I express them in the hopes of inviting intelligent, loving spiritual conversations. If you disagree with me, please share comments—speaking the truth in love, like a good “Berean.” If you agree with me, but would say things differently or would include additional reasons, please share those.
Here goes. In no particular order, some reasons why I believe we can “counsel” members of the opposite gender.
6. Titus 2: The Specific Context
Some would say that Titus 2 “mandates” and makes the “biblical norm” same gender “counseling.” But what is the context? And I don’t even mean, “is the historical context true for us today?” (which is an issue that some address). I believe the historical context of Titus 2 has application for us today. But what was the context then and what is it now?
Paul is talking about the specific situation of older women who are experienced wives and mothers mentoring younger women for/in the roles of new wives and mothers (and/or wives-to-be and mothers-to-be). So, yes, of course, who better to help a young woman to learn to be a mother and wife than an older woman/mother/wife?
Likewise, who better to help a younger man to learn to be a godly husband/dad than a mature husband/dad?
These are legitimate roles still today. And training women and men for mentoring focused on the home is very necessary and powerful.
I just do not happen to believe that this one passage ever was meant to imply that a woman could never minister to a man. This one passage does not mandate that every one another spiritual friendship or spiritual direction “counseling” interaction must be female-to-female or male-to-male.
7. 1 Timothy 2:11-16: Collaborative Spiritual Conversations
What about “a woman should learn in quietness…”? And, “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man”?
These are highly contentious verses. I do not intend to address the full spectrum of issues (such as historical context, application for today regarding local church preaching, etc.). My focus is on what implication, if any, this might have for “counseling” today.
I have studied this whole section in detail. I would translate the lexical meaning of the words in context as, “a woman should not have final authoritative teaching over a man in the church.” (Again, I understand that some would take issue with this translation, with whether this is applicable to the church today, etc. For the sake of argument, I am granting that this is applicable for local church final authoritative preaching.)
However, as I’ve stated, my model of biblical counseling, spiritual friendship, soul care, and spiritual direction is not about final authoritative, directive teaching. It is about collaborative spiritual conversations that seek to relate God’s Word to another person’s life. I do not see 1 Timothy 2:11-15 as prohibiting women from offering spiritual friendship, soul care, or spiritual direction to men.
8. But What About Temptation: Fair Question
Many will say, “It’s not simply about whether women can or should ‘have authority’ over a male. It is about men not counseling women and women not counseling men—primarily because of temptation toward an emotional and/or physical affair.”
Granted, we have all heard the horror stories. However, if we are listening, then we have also heard, increasingly, the horror stories of female “counselors seducing female counselees.” I have a female friend who specializes in counseling women who have been seduced by their female counselors. If she specializes in it, just imagine how often it occurs.
And we have all heard the horror stories of “male pastors seducing male parishioners (especially young boys and teens).”
Thus, we really don’t protect against the temptation toward sinful affairs or emotional attachments simply by “counseling” only male with male or female with female.
What we need are mature, wise males and females who establish the appropriate boundaries and safeguards so that affairs and inappropriate attachments do not develop. Whether it is “formal counseling” or “informal spiritual friendships,” all such relationships must follow established procedures that ensure propriety and integrity.
We ought to empower and equip men and women with the spiritual maturity to engage in what God calls us to do with the wisdom to set appropriate boundaries. Instead, we avoid something good and commanded in Scripture because of something bad that might occur. Out of fear of what might occur in our sinful culture we avoid what the Bible calls us to do to impact our sinful culture.
No one is calling for inappropriate relationships without safeguards. No one is saying that every person is currently ready for one another spiritual friendships with members of the opposite gender. (That’s why the title is “Ten Reasons We Can,” not “Ten Reasons Everyone Must.”) For those without the current personal maturity to handle one another spiritual friendships, the answer is personal discipleship.
9. Potential Sinful Bias: The Potential for Negativity toward Women
I understand that many/most who are against counseling the opposite gender are not “anti-female.” However, in church history and still today in the church there are some who use this topic/issue as one more way to demean, discredit, and marginalize women.
There are men who use “women mentor women” to make women second-class Christians. The attitude can sometimes be, “Women, work with women and children because you are inferior to men.” Such attitudes toward female image bearers is sinful in the sight of God who made us different but equal.
10. Proverbial Wisdom: How God Works
We never build theology on experience. However, proverbial wisdom is a legitimate category of thinking and reflecting.
As I reflect on my life and the lives of many other men and women, I have been greatly ministered to by many godly women. They have been my spiritual friends and biblical counselors in one another ministry and in small group fellowship. Many times other men and women have pointed to these healthy, balanced, ethical, with-integrity, moral, pure relationships as examples to them of how men and women can minister to one another.
I've heard many women, in particular, express how sad it is for them that such fear of impropriety causes men never to have a candid, open conversation with them. They feel as if they are lepers or “Jezebels”—a temptress one must run from. How sad.
God, in His affectionate sovereignty, can choose to use healthy one another spiritual friendships as part of His maturing work in our lives so that we do not engage in sinful relationships. Perhaps it is our Evangelical fear of the opposite sex and the commensurate avoidance of one another spiritual friendships that contribute to the number of affairs we are seeing today.
What Are Your Thoughts?
These are my rambling ponderings.
What are your thoughts?
